Friday, July 6, 2012

In Which I Tell My Husband What Labor Might Be Like

My third trimester began this week on Monday, so it's kind of getting to the point where I have to acknowledge that at some point in the now not-too-distant future, a baby will be theoretically setting off the chain reaction of hormones in my body needed to start labor.

I asked Smiley if he's prepared himself for my labor.

Of course, he looks at me with that constant grin on his face. "Well, yeah, I'll be there for you," he says.

I made a face back at him. "Well let me give you an overview of what to expect."

We're sitting at our computers in our aptly named computer room. He's in between rounds of Tribes Ascension and I'm stalling before I go to the kitchen to make something to eat.

"There's basically three stages to labor according to the internet," I said. I knew I had to keep it short and simple. "In the first stage, I'll maybe have noticeable contractions but theoretically be able to walk and talk through them without too much pain. Then there's the second stage, which I guess is active labor. It'll be harder to deal with contractions and there might be angry words on my part.

"Finally, the third stage is transition. If I understand what I've read correctly, at this point I will be in quite a bit of pain, angry, and possibly delirious depending on whether or not I get to eat or drink anything during labor. Your job will be to pat me on the head and tell me I'm doing a good job and my job will be to rip your arm off for touching me. As I understand it, the arm gets replaced some time after the delivery of the baby."

So as any casual observer can see, my husband and I are fully set to handle this childbirth thing.

But I'll admit to still being a little nervous.

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