Yesterday Silas slept for one hour in his crib. We had our nighttime routine (I'm not even going to pretend that I'm a that put together - my "routine" is that he gets a change into a clean diaper and nighttime clothes before I feed him for the night. Some nights we read Fox in Socks) and then I put him down in his crib around 9:50pm.
During the next ten minutes, I frantically downloaded a white noise app on my phone, after five minutes of providing shushing sounds on my own started to find me feeling lightheaded. Silas, like any baby, has this period right before he falls asleep where any little extra noise will jolt him back to awake. The first white noise app I found had seagulls flying on the beach. I started playing it. The dogs, previously curled up together and sleeping started growling at the non existent seagulls. Silas woke back up.
I quickly downloaded another (free) app and played a combination music box/ocean sounds combo as I patted Silas on the back. His eyes would slowly close until there was just the faintest sliver of eye visible, but I knew that wasn't good enough. He wasn't truly asleep until they were closed. After about five more minutes of gentle back patting, I sat back on the bed and waited to see what would happen.
My roommates came home.
I heard the door open and I knew that this was one of those moments - either the dogs would freak out and bark and all my work would be undone or nothing would happen and Silas would continue to sleep.
Thankfully the dogs did nothing except to continue to sleep, as I found myself tensing up every time I heard a noise outside our room. I kept glancing at Silas. He seemed to be staying asleep. I should mention, on Christmas Eve, he fell asleep and slept through a loud home theatre viewing of Batman (we were in the other room but it was still certainly above general household noise). He can sleep through anything if I'm not trying to also get some sleep.
When I checked the time, it was only about 10:10. All of this effort and worry and whatnot, and it had only been about twenty minutes! Putting a baby to sleep is exhausting work sometimes. I took off my glasses and closed my eyes to try to get some sleep myself. It didn't work terribly well, because the next thing I knew, Silas was awake and crying.
I don't know what woke him up. I just know it was only a few minutes after eleven and that I was tired. Into bed he went next to me and we both went to sleep until midnight thirty, at which point Smiley woke me up as he came to bed and I very nearly tried to kill him.
I'm a little tired this morning. Time for work!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas!
It was somewhat surreal to go through all of this past year pregnant, knowing that the next time I saw Christmas, Thanksgiving - even halloween - that they would be "baby's first." And now they've already happened. I am struggling to find a new way to express how fast time goes, and how much faster it goes each year. When I am ninety, will a year happen in what feels like a day?
Silas is napping now (obviously) and Smiley and I have been spending most of the morning and early afternoon rearranging stuff in our house. We finally put our bed up on a bed frame and stored some boxes under there, which opened up spaces in our dining room, closet and computer room. Somewhere along the line, though, those rooms seem to have exploded. For now we're eating a late lunch of tacos and then I guess we'll tackle putting everything back together.
We did set up Silas's crib. He's only rolled over twice, but we are getting to the point where he won't be as immobile while sleeping as he is now, and I am thinking I need to start dealing with having him sleeping on a different bed. It would be one thing if our mattress was still on the floor, but we needed the underbed storage. I think. I'm not sure. I never thought Silas would be sleeping in bed with us - definitely thought he'd be in a bassinet and then crib. But, as everyone knows, half of being a parent is being surprised with what happens. Yes, Silas is my son and I will be doing my job of raising him, but one knows you can never forget that he, even now, is still his own person.
Well, I've only had like three tacos and I totally think there's another corn tortilla shell in the kitchen, so I'd better get over there and snag that before Smiley does. I need my strength to deal with the constant chaos of our house.
Merry Christmas to those celebrating! It's been a wonderful day.
Silas is napping now (obviously) and Smiley and I have been spending most of the morning and early afternoon rearranging stuff in our house. We finally put our bed up on a bed frame and stored some boxes under there, which opened up spaces in our dining room, closet and computer room. Somewhere along the line, though, those rooms seem to have exploded. For now we're eating a late lunch of tacos and then I guess we'll tackle putting everything back together.
We did set up Silas's crib. He's only rolled over twice, but we are getting to the point where he won't be as immobile while sleeping as he is now, and I am thinking I need to start dealing with having him sleeping on a different bed. It would be one thing if our mattress was still on the floor, but we needed the underbed storage. I think. I'm not sure. I never thought Silas would be sleeping in bed with us - definitely thought he'd be in a bassinet and then crib. But, as everyone knows, half of being a parent is being surprised with what happens. Yes, Silas is my son and I will be doing my job of raising him, but one knows you can never forget that he, even now, is still his own person.
Well, I've only had like three tacos and I totally think there's another corn tortilla shell in the kitchen, so I'd better get over there and snag that before Smiley does. I need my strength to deal with the constant chaos of our house.
Merry Christmas to those celebrating! It's been a wonderful day.
Friday, December 21, 2012
So tired
Today marks my last full week of work. I'm working part of next week and one day the week after. Then I start school. Going back to school has not been easy. In addition to worrying about the financial aspect of it all, I've just had a hard time with the whole process.
For example, I had my transcripts sent to the college at the beginning of November. When I went for orientation at the beginning of December, my transcripts apparently had not been received. Uh. Ok. So, then they finally showed up mid-way through December but guess what? My holds for English and Math testing weren't taken off because they didn't get entered before the campus closed for winter holiday. So now I can't sign up for the online workshop to take online courses. Not cool.
But that aside, I'm excited and nervous, and mostly tired. I hope to get some sleep this weekend. I need it.
For example, I had my transcripts sent to the college at the beginning of November. When I went for orientation at the beginning of December, my transcripts apparently had not been received. Uh. Ok. So, then they finally showed up mid-way through December but guess what? My holds for English and Math testing weren't taken off because they didn't get entered before the campus closed for winter holiday. So now I can't sign up for the online workshop to take online courses. Not cool.
But that aside, I'm excited and nervous, and mostly tired. I hope to get some sleep this weekend. I need it.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Shh! It's a secret!
Today Smiley picked up some extra work so I am going to seize the moment and sneak a Christmas tree into the house! What with me quitting my job to go back to school and him having some issues at his weekday job, I won't be spending much, so it won't be anything amazing, but it will be Silas's first Christmas tree!
So as many of you all know, I'm not particularly religious; I haven't really been to church in probably years. I do firmly believe in being compassionate towards others, helpful and open minded, which are all things I can do no matter where I am on Sunday, but there is actually one thing I miss about not being able to go to church here in Tallahassee - and if you know me, you might have guessed - it's the hymns.
And maybe you wouldn't have guessed it - maybe you don't know how peaceful singing is to me. Smiley knows. He's had to put up with it for two years now; it's not uncommon for me to spend an evening singing along to my favorite songs (think Nightwish, Evanescence, Within Temptation, and video game songs that I love) as a way to relax and wind down. (And actually, the people I play WoW with know. They've heard me singing over vent during raids to stay calm!)
And maybe you might think I'm weird; I know when I brought a friend to church services many years back, he complained that the songs were too slow. I know a lot of churches like to bring excitement to their hymns with upbeat tempos, guitars, and other instruments precisely for that reason and that works for many people, but not me.
I got to thinking about all of this today when I was singing Silas lullabys as I put him down for his morning nap. I started using the old hymn tunes as a base for my words of love to Silas. It comforts me, and, judging from the fact that he's been asleep long enough for me to write all of the above - without any breaks to rock him back to sleep! - I think it comforts him too.
Well, I can't spend all of my time here typing; I've got to go make room for a Christmas tree. Thanks for letting me share a little part of my morning with you guys.
So as many of you all know, I'm not particularly religious; I haven't really been to church in probably years. I do firmly believe in being compassionate towards others, helpful and open minded, which are all things I can do no matter where I am on Sunday, but there is actually one thing I miss about not being able to go to church here in Tallahassee - and if you know me, you might have guessed - it's the hymns.
And maybe you wouldn't have guessed it - maybe you don't know how peaceful singing is to me. Smiley knows. He's had to put up with it for two years now; it's not uncommon for me to spend an evening singing along to my favorite songs (think Nightwish, Evanescence, Within Temptation, and video game songs that I love) as a way to relax and wind down. (And actually, the people I play WoW with know. They've heard me singing over vent during raids to stay calm!)
And maybe you might think I'm weird; I know when I brought a friend to church services many years back, he complained that the songs were too slow. I know a lot of churches like to bring excitement to their hymns with upbeat tempos, guitars, and other instruments precisely for that reason and that works for many people, but not me.
I got to thinking about all of this today when I was singing Silas lullabys as I put him down for his morning nap. I started using the old hymn tunes as a base for my words of love to Silas. It comforts me, and, judging from the fact that he's been asleep long enough for me to write all of the above - without any breaks to rock him back to sleep! - I think it comforts him too.
Well, I can't spend all of my time here typing; I've got to go make room for a Christmas tree. Thanks for letting me share a little part of my morning with you guys.
Thursday, December 13, 2012
10 minutes to write
Apparently Silas did not go down for an afternoon nap today; I tried to get him to sleep after work for a bit, but as he didn't seem overtired, eventually we played together some and he kicked around on the ground while I organized our computer room some. Finally, he started making this sort of bird call/pterodactyl noise that he makes when he is becoming overtired, and I was able to trick him into sleep by rocking him while nursing him. It's not as easy as it sounds!
Anyhow, he's lying down for who knows how long - my guess is ten minutes. I thought about continuing to organize the room, but who needs an organized room when I could share my thoughts with the world instead? (Like someone who drinks too much one evening, I'll probably regret this in the morning when I stub my toe on the old vacuum cleaner again).
Here's what I've been thinking about: babies give you a natural high. Yes, I'm aware I linked a Cracked.com article instead of, say, a scientific journal, but the point he makes (#4) is true enough. I am getting high as ever off of my beautiful little baby! How else could I continue to wake up two, sometimes three (and yes, still, occasionally four times a night) to tend for my little baby if there wasn't a huge reward in it for me? And that huge reward just happens to come courtesy of my own brain chemistry. Awesome!
So in a nutshell, if you didn't know, breastfeeding and contact with your baby produces oxytocin, which makes you feel good. And I'm guessing that my sensitivity to it is why I feel like having more babies so intensely. (And I'm probably "overdosing" by not only breastfeeding but also having Silas sleep in bed with us). But there is one other reason, and you have to promise not to laugh!
I think my desire to have my children quickly is that I want to be able to be around for grandchildren and great grandchildren. If I've learned anything, it's that I can't expect to have grandkids until maybe thirty years from now, and then that means great grandchildren sixty years from now. In sixty years, I could be dead.
So yes, laugh if you must, but the previous paragraph is truly written with only sincerity. I believe that one of the greatest rewards to being a parent is to watch your children become parents. It's the circle of life type idea; to watch life continue onward through my little family. I have to admit that I've felt this way even before I gave birth, so I can't blame hormones on that! I know that not everyone wants to have children and I'll never force Silas or any other my other hypothetical kids to do something they don't want to, but I sincerely hope that I will at least get to meet some grandchildren, some day.
I have to confess that this entry was not written in ten minutes. About five minutes into writing, Silas woke up. I kept writing for about three more minutes while he decided whether or not he was going to fall back asleep; at the eight minute mark (in total), he started crying, so I went check on him. And, uh, he's waking up again, so I guess I've got to go. This is what I get for him not taking an afternoon nap. (Babies, unlike adults, tend to sleep better the more sleep they get).
Anyhow, he's lying down for who knows how long - my guess is ten minutes. I thought about continuing to organize the room, but who needs an organized room when I could share my thoughts with the world instead? (Like someone who drinks too much one evening, I'll probably regret this in the morning when I stub my toe on the old vacuum cleaner again).
Here's what I've been thinking about: babies give you a natural high. Yes, I'm aware I linked a Cracked.com article instead of, say, a scientific journal, but the point he makes (#4) is true enough. I am getting high as ever off of my beautiful little baby! How else could I continue to wake up two, sometimes three (and yes, still, occasionally four times a night) to tend for my little baby if there wasn't a huge reward in it for me? And that huge reward just happens to come courtesy of my own brain chemistry. Awesome!
So in a nutshell, if you didn't know, breastfeeding and contact with your baby produces oxytocin, which makes you feel good. And I'm guessing that my sensitivity to it is why I feel like having more babies so intensely. (And I'm probably "overdosing" by not only breastfeeding but also having Silas sleep in bed with us). But there is one other reason, and you have to promise not to laugh!
I think my desire to have my children quickly is that I want to be able to be around for grandchildren and great grandchildren. If I've learned anything, it's that I can't expect to have grandkids until maybe thirty years from now, and then that means great grandchildren sixty years from now. In sixty years, I could be dead.
So yes, laugh if you must, but the previous paragraph is truly written with only sincerity. I believe that one of the greatest rewards to being a parent is to watch your children become parents. It's the circle of life type idea; to watch life continue onward through my little family. I have to admit that I've felt this way even before I gave birth, so I can't blame hormones on that! I know that not everyone wants to have children and I'll never force Silas or any other my other hypothetical kids to do something they don't want to, but I sincerely hope that I will at least get to meet some grandchildren, some day.
I have to confess that this entry was not written in ten minutes. About five minutes into writing, Silas woke up. I kept writing for about three more minutes while he decided whether or not he was going to fall back asleep; at the eight minute mark (in total), he started crying, so I went check on him. And, uh, he's waking up again, so I guess I've got to go. This is what I get for him not taking an afternoon nap. (Babies, unlike adults, tend to sleep better the more sleep they get).
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Moments of Reflection
Today at work a department-wide email went out regarding the lactation room. It was kind of awkward, since as far as I know, I'm the employee that made it happen. Up until I gave birth, lactating moms were either pumping in the bathrooms or in their offices, for those who had the option (or I guess not bothering with this at all). I didn't have an office option because, well, I'm not important enough for one. And I was not about to go pump in the bathroom!
So, yes, when an email goes out assuring people that employees are allowed to use this room to express milk and that they can use time in addition to their breaks, and I am the only person using the room, it's weird. It means people have been talking about me.
I don't know exactly why I'm so adamant about providing breastmilk for Silas. I mean, I don't think it will help him with good taste later in life - my mom breastfed me and I still enjoy a box of kraft macaroni and cheese on occasion! But the benefits - less illness, more protection against allergies, an amazing system of supply and demand to ensure he gets exactly the calories he needs - definitely play a huge part in it.
I believe, first and foremost, in feeding your baby. I never would want a mom who is feeding her baby to feel like she is less of a mom. But for me, breastfeeding is definitely a super important aspect of what to feed Silas. I am happy I have the oppertunity to keep doing that while I work, but I hate that I have to pump to do so. I hate that I have to go to a stupid room and use an electric tool instead of getting to just feed him, like I can when we are together. I know that for some moms, the time apart is well spent, but not for me. I can't wait for the 31st (my last day of work) and to start school. I will still have to pump, but only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. For now, that's a win in my book.
So, yes, when an email goes out assuring people that employees are allowed to use this room to express milk and that they can use time in addition to their breaks, and I am the only person using the room, it's weird. It means people have been talking about me.
I don't know exactly why I'm so adamant about providing breastmilk for Silas. I mean, I don't think it will help him with good taste later in life - my mom breastfed me and I still enjoy a box of kraft macaroni and cheese on occasion! But the benefits - less illness, more protection against allergies, an amazing system of supply and demand to ensure he gets exactly the calories he needs - definitely play a huge part in it.
I believe, first and foremost, in feeding your baby. I never would want a mom who is feeding her baby to feel like she is less of a mom. But for me, breastfeeding is definitely a super important aspect of what to feed Silas. I am happy I have the oppertunity to keep doing that while I work, but I hate that I have to pump to do so. I hate that I have to go to a stupid room and use an electric tool instead of getting to just feed him, like I can when we are together. I know that for some moms, the time apart is well spent, but not for me. I can't wait for the 31st (my last day of work) and to start school. I will still have to pump, but only on Tuesdays and Thursdays. For now, that's a win in my book.
Monday, December 10, 2012
Feeling Overwhelmed
You know, it's funny. I had thought I wanted a little baby girl. I had thought I wanted to deal with tiny dresses and tiny hair bows and adorable little baby tights. But then I had Silas, and realized that what I wanted was Silas - a perfect little baby for me. It's nice how those things work out.
I've been fairly stressed out about starting school up again next semester, which is seriously messing with my ability to find a moment to sit and write. When I get stressed, I tend to organize things. The end result isn't exactly a cleaner house, but a more organized one. I will go through old mail to make sure I want to save what I wanted to save last time. I will restack games and boxes until I feel they are in a better configuration. And mostly, I will sit in one place, feeling overwhelmed by everything.
Luckily, Silas loves when I sit in one place, because it means he's either nursing or getting my attention for playtime or getting rocked to sleep. So at least someone is winning in this situation.
I've been fairly stressed out about starting school up again next semester, which is seriously messing with my ability to find a moment to sit and write. When I get stressed, I tend to organize things. The end result isn't exactly a cleaner house, but a more organized one. I will go through old mail to make sure I want to save what I wanted to save last time. I will restack games and boxes until I feel they are in a better configuration. And mostly, I will sit in one place, feeling overwhelmed by everything.
Luckily, Silas loves when I sit in one place, because it means he's either nursing or getting my attention for playtime or getting rocked to sleep. So at least someone is winning in this situation.
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