Still Loving Life!

I'm not sure how well blogging next to a sleeping baby will work out. Silas seems to start and fidget a lot when I first start typing. Once I get going, he's ok. But if I pause to think about what I might want to write next, he jumps again. That is not conducive to a happy baby!

But as my second week of classes starts, I'm still in quite a good mood overall. I think it's important to include overall, because last night I had one of those "I want to punch everything" moments. I'm still working on Silas sleeping in the crib at nights. Last night, I felt pretty good about the crib transition. I had done our small bedtime routine and put Silas in the crib. He had started fussing hardcore, thrashing his arms and legs, breaking the first two swaddles I tried. But on the third time I got his arms wrapped up nice and comfy to his body, and instantly, he was out.

So he went down in the crib and slept there for, I'll be honest, I don't remember. I think it was about two hours. All I know is that later that night, at about three, he woke up again next to me in bed, and when his fussing turned into crying, I fed him.

As I lay there, I began to feel incredibly overheated. I kicked off the light blanket I had over my legs, but I still felt warm and annoyed. I felt bad, because I wanted to pull Silas away from me to cool down, but I waited a few minutes until he seemed to have stopped eating. I pulled him away and decided tonight was as good as any to try to return him to the crib.

You might be able to guess what happened next - he didn't want to go back to sleep in his crib. Or, I guess, back to sleep in general. So I held him on my shoulder, trying to soothe him back to sleep. I bounced him lightly in my arms as I walked up and down the room. Twenty minutes of this provided no sleeping baby, so I checked to see if he was still hungry. He ate for awhile, and fell asleep in my arms.

Again, I tried to put him down in the crib and again he cried. I still felt oppressively warm, although the thermometer in our room stated it was only 71 degrees. I also felt aggressively aware of all of the light in our room. Since we moved our computers into our room, there are all sorts of little LED lights that I barely notice as I'm falling asleep. But when I'm woken up by a crying baby in the middle of what seems to be a heat flash? Oh, I was ready to sledgehammer everything in our room.

Smiley woke up during all of this, and asked why I wasn't just letting Silas sleep with us so he'd go back to sleep and I tried to explain that I felt like my skin was crawling from heat. I should mention he was wrapped up in our comforter, and Silas's skin was cool to the touch except for where he was pressed up against me. But Smiley did have to go to work tomorrow, so in the interest of a happy family, I hopped back up onto the bed with Silas.

Silas promptly went back to sleep and I lay there in the dark. I wanted to use my phone, but I knew the glare of the screen would wake Silas back up, so I closed my eyes and tried to think of nothing. Of course, I could only think of how warm I felt. After an hour and a half of this, Silas woke up yet again.

I keep thinking during the days when Silas wants to eat every two hours, that he's trying to regulate my milk supply to produce more milk during the daytime hours so that he can sleep longer at night. (Babies are surprisingly great at knowing how much food they eat in a twenty four hour period and will wake up during the night accordingly if they miss out on ounces during the day) But then I think that Silas says "eff sleep. I could just grow instead" and continues to want to eat every two hours at night too.

I mean, I'm not even that upset about it. I'm kind of thrilled that I've been able to be his sole source of nutrition. It's like everything fell into place and my body is doing what it should to provide for my baby, and that gives me a sense of accomplishment.

So yes, last night was rough but well within a manageable level. Taking care of a baby full time is a lot like labor. There are moments that are just overwhelmingly stressful and tough, like a contraction, and then in between everything is fine. And the end result is I get to be around a loving and adorable baby!

Let me talk about school

Ok. So I think it's a possibility that I look a little younger than I am. Certainly in a college setting, I wouldn't be surprised if people thought that I was there for the first time (wouldn't be insulted if they realized I wasn't though - I'm not that old!). But I FELT older than ever when I went to my once-a-week lab class yesterday.

It was the first class of the semester for a Thursday only lab. Next week, according to our syllabus, we had a quiz. Therefore, I reasoned I should buy the book and start studying before I got to class, because it was clear the instructor wanted us to start learning right off the bat.

Here's the part where I sound like a cranky old person - I couldn't believe the other student's attitudes! One guy was grumpy because we didn't just show up and go over the syllabus and leave. Others seemed stunned when the teacher started going over the notes very quickly, as though he expected us to have read up in the textbook. (The ever popular question, "will these notes be on the website?" was, of course, asked within two minutes. I'm glad to see that taking notes still hasn't come into fashion yet.)

But my amusement high point of the evening was when we broke into small groups to study a cell model. Thankfully, I have taken biology before and even dissected a fetal pig. Granted, this was all the way back in my dark ages of high school, but it's still fairly review and remember material for me. One of the girls in my group was very talkative and started alternating between trying to point out items on the cell model and talking about how much she did not want to be here.

I don't know if I can do justice to our conversation. You might have had to be there. But I'll do my best.

In essence, between pointing out the ribosomes and wondering where the smooth endoplasmic reticulum was, she explained to us that she actually shouldn't have to take this class, because she had done this material in high school. And that it was ridiculous that we were here, doing this.

She wondered aloud whether or not we needed to know just where the cell parts were, or if we needed to know their function as well. The teacher had provided us with a detailed "need to know" type sheet. It clearly stated we needed to know cell parts and functions. I read that out to the group and her response was, "I don't have time for this."

I'm not sure exactly what that means. Typically, I had always approached classes assuming they were my priorities and that I would have to make time to learn the information presented. Again, apparently I am a dinosaur.

She continued to explain that she had taken this stuff in high school, but failed the class.

Oh?

Yes, she said. She failed the class but not because she didn't know the material. She failed the class because she got suspended for not showing up to school enough. But it wasn't her fault. Her teacher was the devil.

I kind of made a face, alternating between a "you don't say" sort of nonchalance and a "I think you're a little crazy" when I couldn't control myself.

It just seems insane to me that someone would be here with such a flippant attitude. I'm not saying I believe that every student comes to college to learn; oh, I understand that this is not true. But I don't understand it. I have no way to relate to the words that were coming out of her mouth. She spoke about how last semester was her first semester at college and so she was kind of in a "yay I'm at college" mode and how this semester she was going to do better.

If "I don't have time for this" is her doing better, I can't imagine what last semester was like.

Anyhow, that's my first week back for me. I'm going to go make some flash cards.

First Week of Classes

Well, this is it. I'm back at school, and it feels odd. I'm confident I will study hard and do well in my classes, but I only have three this semester. If I didn't have baby Silas to take care of, I'd feel like I was a slacker! I've never take so few credit hours - I definitely always felt I did better with at least 15. But the nature of the game is that I have five classes I need as pre-reqs, and two of those classes have to be taken after I pass two of the classes I'm taking this semester.

In the meantime, I'm already loving the extra time I spend with Silas. It's no secret I wished I could be a stay at home mom, but I think that this might be even better; I'm studying to get a great job where I could work part time and still contribute decently to our family income and I can spend more time at home with Silas and our future child(ren).

One thing I noticed already is that I feel calmer. Before, week nights were horrible. I believe I wrote about how I would get home, feed the baby and let out the dogs, clean the bottles and let them dry so I could fill them with my pumped milk and then clean those bottles so I could use them while pumping at work the next day. Between trying to get some quality time in with Silas, making dinner and preparing my lunch for the next day, I felt like I was caught in some sort of rodent-wheel.

And I won't lie - I was happy if I got a shower in every third day. Gross, right? But even then, a shower was a hurried event that cut into my already crappy sleep and I barely found it to be worth it except that I wanted people who saw me to assume that I was at least somewhat getting by. I will say I don't know how people do it. I know that all mothers are different, and that some women are energized by work, but not me.

Do I still get stressed out when Silas seems to cry for no reason at all? Or when he spits up all over me? Of course! But I am just so much happier now. I feel like I can breathe again and it's a wonderful feeling. I hadn't realized how sad and desperate I had felt until now. And yes, things will get tougher once I actually start nursing classes but in the meantime I am thankful for every minute I get with Silas. After all, gosh darn it, he's only going to be a baby once!

One of those days

You know how you know you're having one of those days? It starts by taking an hour to wrap a package to ship, because turns out your baby is somewhat terrified of the sound of packaging tape, and by the time you calm him down and finish taping, it's time for him to eat again. It continues by you nearly getting ran off the road because someone tries to lane change into your car on the way to the UPS store. When you make it to the parking lot, you will have to juggle a baby in a stroller and a large, cumbersome package that you are clearly JUUUST barely holding on to. Don't worry - no one will offer to give you a hand or even open the door to the UPS store. The guys behind the counter will laugh - outright laugh - when they see you using your stroller to kind of prop open the door so that you can get through with the package.

But it won't bother you too much; people have their things to do just the same as you. But then after you send the package and get the baby back into the car, get buckled in yourself and start driving to your next errand, you'll notice that despite it being January, there is somehow a wasp in your car. This is followed by frantically wishing it to go to the window and lowering the window while at the same time desparately hoping that today is not the day you learn if your baby is allergic to wasp bites.

Thankfully the wasp will leave your car without harming either of you and it's off to the pet store and then home. Your baby, who typically loves going to sleep in his car seat, will still be wide awake, way past his nap time. He will proceed to cry loudly for the next hour as you attempt to calm him with rocking, walking and combinations of the two. Finally he will close his eyes and you will see sleep settling on his eyelids - and then the doorbell will ring, followed by a sharp knock and the puppies barking. Your baby's eyes will snap open and the crying and general fussiness will come back with a vengence. While you contemplate installing a sound proof bubble in your living room, you will walk the baby once again until he calms down.

He will calm down - it will just take a little more time - and he will even close his eyes. He will nap. It won't be long because he wound himself up so much, but it will be long enough for you to recount your day in a blog post. He will even wake up while you are writing and, instead of crying, he will look around and see a toy nearby. He will grab the toy and start playing with it, and smiling, and making happy "ah-goo" noises, and suddenly, if you hadn't written everything else down, you would have forgot about it being one of those days as you go on to enjoy a happy evening.

4 months!

Well, ok, three months and 29 days. But as of tomorrow, Silas will be four months old. It's great to see him become more aware of his surroundings each day.

I know that all babies are different, so I wanted to share what he is like. Silas still eats every two to three hours during the day, and wakes up two to three times at night. I put him to sleep at night around 9:30pm most days, and he wakes up between 7 and 8:30am most mornings to start the day. In between, he tends to wake up around 1:30 to 2:30am, and then every two hours thereafter.

Silas loves to be held and to be walked around. He likes to be held upright and cries when he is put down on his back. The sound of the vacuum cleaner and running water will help sooth him. I can take him and put him on a blanket on the bathroom floor while I shower and he will play with a toy happily during that time. He likes to sit up supported by a pillow and to occasionally "stand" by being supported by someone. During tummy time, he tries to roll over, but can't figure out what to do with his legs. When he's on his back, he tries to roll over, but can't figure out what to do with his arms.

He can take a bottle, so I've heard. He doesn't quite know what to do with them, but if he is calm and sleepy, he takes a bottle well. When he has a bottle, he takes 2-3 ounces of expressed breastmilk. When he nurses, he takes between five to twenty minutes and will eat from one side or both. There is a wide range of normal.

(I'd also like to side note that although I think breastmilk is a great thing to give your baby, I've never once in my life met someone and thought to myself "oh, well, THERE'S a formula fed baby." Nursing is my personal preference and one that I will certainly advocate for, but I'd like to make sure no one thinks I judge if you choose to feed your baby formula. I only judge those who do not feed their baby anything.)

I share these things because I know that anyone with a kid can look at that list and think to themselves, "well, my baby slept through the night at two weeks" or "well, my baby does fine by himself when I need to shower or to put him down" or whatever have you. This list is to let those parents out there who are wondering "well, why doesn't my daughter sleep longer?" or "why does she always want to be held?" that your baby is normal too. I might only have one son, but I have four younger siblings and 36 cousins (more if you count my cousins who now have babies), so my credentials are that I've seen a lot of babies in my lifetime. And they have all been different.

Don't compare your baby to another person's baby. Love your baby for who he is. Know that she is doing what is normal for her. Don't second guess yourself as parents when it comes to milestones, sleeping patterns, growth, whatever. (Caveat: if you are thinking about feeding your baby a pureed hot dog thinned with pop in a bottle, you might want to discuss that with your pediatrician first).

Blogging from the bedroom!

Huh. That could sound weird, couldn't it?

As I mentioned before though (at least, I think I did. Or I thought about mentioning it and then got distracted by Silas), we've moved our computers into our bedroom to make room in our front room for an eventual nursery. Supposedly it will help me blog because then I can just blog while Silas naps in his crib next to me. We'll see.

You know how sometimes people buy other people gifts, sneakily hoping the other person won't notice that the gift benefits the giver just as much or more than the receiver? Two years ago for Christmas, I got Smiley a monitor. It was a surprise gift and probably the last surprise gift I'll ever give. I was so excited to have kept a present a secret despite it arriving on his day off. He told me never to buy him an electronic without consulting him first. (Electronics are kind of like puppies. You never know how the person receiving one will feel about the gift and in our household, the "big ticket" items like a monitor are meant to last).

Anyhow, once I got over that disappointment, Smiley realized that now he could use both his new monitor and old one and have dual monitors. The desk he was using was too small, so we switched desks. I didn't mind too much; a desk is a desk.

Well, now the monitor "mishap" has come back to me, again.

This Christmas, Smiley's present to himself was a monitor stand. Except when he got around to setting it up and adding the monitors, he realized the one I gifted him had no mounting area. It was unmountable. Yes, this triggered another "see, this is why you should never get me electronics" speech. Trust me, my want to give a surprise gift is perfectly quashed.

So as a solution, I offered up my monitor, which has been with me since my dad made my computer way back when I was going to college. It still works and is pretty decent, if I don't say so myself. Smiley consented to this and said I could use the gifted monitor.

Except that monitor apparently doesn't work with my computer without a new cable. So now I am still unable to use my computer while we wait for a cable to be delivered and in the meantime, I'm blogging off of Smiley's computer on his and mine old monitors while the new monitor sits, blankly, on his old desk next to the crib.

I don't think there's a point to this, or any great metaphor. I just found it amusing and figured someone else might too.

Been awhile

Lots of things have happened since last we talked. We have been hosting my family here for the week, which is wonderful. Silas has never been more loved in his life (admittedly it has been a short life thus far.)

Smiley and I moved our computers into the bedroom to make room in our previous computer room for an eventual nursery/bedroom. Maybe. I'm not sure. I really, really hate lights in the bedroom and adding the computers adds three monitor lights, mouse lights, keyboard lights, etc. Plus we had to bring our modem and router in here to keep our computers hooked up to the internet - more lights. And blinking, flashing lights at that.

Last night was new years eve - happy new years! - and also my last day at work. That meant I was up at 6:30am and I surprised myself by managing to stay up until midnight. I went to bed pretty much right after the clock changed and after Smiley and I shared a few kisses. Silas was great and slept about four hours with me before waking up. Upon waking up at 4am, I noticed that Smiley still hadn't come to bed. I looked out our window and saw that the bonfire was still going. Half asleep, I figured that he was probably chatting with people and I went back to sleep.

Later I woke up and the fire was out and Smiley was sleeping and Silas and I got up and played for a bit until I made pancakes for my family. They were delicious.

Anyhow, now I've got a chair for my computer in our room, so I should get back into the swing of writing while Silas sleeps (plus I can put him in his crib and still be near him for naps, which seems to be a plus.

Happy new years, everyone!